“Look for the helpers!” Mr. Rogers used to tell us.But what he didn’t tell us was how many helpers are completely overburdened by always being looked to for help (nevermind the drama we needlessly stir up in the name of “helping”).Show me a helper, and I’ll show you someone close to a lot of pain. Put all the helpers together, and you’ve got a group with a massive burnout rate.And given your interest in this newsletter, you likely are a helper or you love someone who is.So, how are you doing with the pain of others?Well, first, you’re probably doing better than you think you are. But in case you need a little more support, we wanted to offer three ways we’ve learned to care for ourselves while caring for others.3 ways to deal with hurt better |
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Let’s go one-by-one. |
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What’s a suitcase do? It stores stuff. And when we’re not traveling, we often put suitcases of stuff inside suitcases of stuff before hiding them away in closets. A whole Russian nesting doll situation.But you are not a suitcase. You’re not a storage unit for the pain of the world. (And you’re not FedEx, either—carrying pain from door-to-door is not your job.)When we learn to let the pain flow through us, we stay healthier and last much longer.What’s it mean to let pain flow through us?It means (a) we don’t hold on to pain and (b) we don’t close off from it. Pain flowing through us means feeling it, accepting it, then letting it go, without over-identifying with it. We havepain. We feel pain. But we are not the pain itself. We don’t need it as part of our identity. We are helpers, not saviors. And this is part of what we do, not all of who we are.Listen: there’s a reason they call it “baggage”.Care, don’t carry. |
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We’ve talked before about gratitude. But here we’re focused on something specific: gratitude in the now.Looking back and taking stock is often very helpful. But sometimes, it’s just too much, because the past often has skeletons and ghosts jumping out, trying to reclaim your attention.Instead, don’t worry about taking stock of your entire life. Focus on what you’re grateful for now.Look at your environment. Look at your people. Look at your health. Look at your home. Look at your community. Look at whatever is at hand and start stacking it up.What if someone came in right now and started taking things away from you? What would you miss? Whose loss would you mourn? What if it was all buried under the rubble of a life-shattering earthquake?Be grateful for that. |
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Sometimes we look at the pains and problems of the world and shrug. What could I possibly do?This can lead to desensitization, nihilism, and hyper-intellectualism. But if you’re built like a lot of us in this community, these defense mechanisms won’t actually leave you feeling stronger, they’ll leave you feeling dead inside.We all love a good hero story. But your help doesn’t have to “change the world”. In fact, let’s be honest: your help will not change the world. Neither will mine. But you can play a role in changing a life (starting with your own, if nothing else).Giving. Acting. Reading. Caring. Sharing. Listening. These things matter. And they create a psychological ROI that simply cannot be achieved through any other means.If you’re not connected to people and communities who affirm the ways in which your small part matters, keep looking. We’re out here.But will we actually listen?Now, will any of us actually listen? If you’re a normal helper, probably not! But if you’re a serious helper—serious about growing, about leveling up, and about staying in this work for the long-haul—you’ll take a pause and really contemplate how you can put this to work immediately.I’ve made a lot of mistakes in this work of caring. I hope some of these ideas can help you the way they’ve helped me.With you,Jeremy
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