How to not overly regret your regrets

If you spend much time reading about personal growth you’ve probably encountered something like this:

“I never lose. Either I win, or I learn.”

And if you know any actual humans, you’ve no doubt encountered this:

“I was thinking about trying my hand at  _______, but I don’t want to look stupid!”

Both want to avoid regret. The first emphasizes effort and reframes failure as opportunity for growth. The second fears failure will lead to a life of regret and limits action prior to perfection.

But some aren’t even trying to avoid regret—they’re already caught. One internalizes it:

“I suck. I’m ugly. Everything I touch turns to crap.”

The other, externalizes and projects it:

“My job/church/family/partner was sooooooo toxic.”

These two have not only surrendered to regret, they’re hostage to shame. Reframing everything as personal badness, or in such denial that they reframe their own regrets as another’s badness.

Regret Mitigation

I’m working on a thesis that these four “regret mitigation” strategies are governing most lives today. My working labels:

1. Regret is Dumb
2. Regret is Death
3. Regret’s My Shield
4. Regret’s My Sword

Two of these modalities (Dumb/Sword) get stirred to action in light of regret, while the other two (Death/Shield) get paralyzed and mostly do what they’re told for fear of failure.

A Better Way to Regret

But there’s a fifth option available to us that avoids some of these extremes and imbalances. It goes more like this:

Regrets are powerful—for good or ill. 

Because when we love others and desire to perfectly express our care for them;

When we love the ideas and dreams that get us out of bed and animate us;

When we want to live life fully and bring others with us;

Missing the bullseye of our own expectations or others can hurt.

Aiming for a life marked by forward-looking intention is much better than its backward-looking alternative. But trying to avoid the reality of regret altogether, either through bravado or inaction, cannot nurture maximum growth.

Reframing Regret

Regret is not dumb. (Okay, a lot of regret is dumb.) But anyone completely dumbing down regret is probably lacking in self-awareness or keeping up the pretenses of a character.

Regret is not death. Catastrophizing regret hijacks countless gifts the world might otherwise enjoy.

Regret should not be our hiding place. Wallowing in regret is self-destructive and a pillaging of others’ goodwill.

Regrets should not be weaponized. Projecting our regrets onto others is destructive. Not everything we dislike is toxic, abusive, or gaslighting. A lot of times, those are just swords we use to deny emotions rising inside us. 

Many live as though the goal of life is to make it to the end with no regrets. But neither avoidance, nor personal/public degradation can actually bring about the world we most claim to want. Only a healthy relationship with dreaming, trying, failing, and improving can fuel the kind of stressors and strength required to become the people—and society—we dream of being.